An interesting and thought provoking post. I appreciate the time you put into it and will try to do it justice.
sw0l33txp:As the world of technology became your job, have you found yourself migrating to new pursuits for enjoyment? What are some of those pursuits and have you always had them in the back of your head or are they completely new, previously untapped ideas?
I have some old and some new pursuits, I guess you could say.
As far as newer pursuits, I would count my interest in Death Metal. For those that are not familiar with the style, it is like Heavy Metal, but often played very hard and fast with vocals that sound more like growls than words.
I actually got into death metal because I found it provided an outlet for the frustrations I felt in my old job. I’ve found its appeal is waning now, though there are still days where I find I need to fall back to it.
As far as older interests, I have been fascinated since I was a small child by astronomy and the wonders of space. I was always awestruck by the majesty of Saturn or the Orion Nebula. While I may be an atheist you cannot look at some of the photos from the Hubble and not feel the hand of God at work in the beauty of some of the pictures.
Luckily when I was at Dell my manager, Aga, was a huge astronomy buff so I often got to geek out with her talking about space stuff. Her husband was a big help too in recommending equipment I should look at. Sadly with moving and moving and moving again I have not had the money to spend on a telescope, but I did factor in the future ownership of one when I chose our house location in Phoenix.
sw0l33txp: I suggest it's often difficult for intelligent people to integrate themselves into the real world. Do you find it difficult to have deep friendships with people you do not consider as bright as yourself or that cannot understand what you do in technology? Obviously we all have friends from all walks of life but the key here is "deep".
I would say I had trouble feeling connected to people when I was young. I grew up in a small village and was treated a little like a freak even though I didn’t see myself as any smarter than anyone else. Even if I was, what could I do about it?
I went through a strange spell when I was around 10 years old where I felt totally disconnected – like my body was a spaceship and I was visiting this alien world and only I had these feelings (which I later found out are something many children go through as they become truly self-aware)
The “deep friendships” question is a tough one. I would have to say “no”, its not been difficult. My best friend in the village where I grew up is now a security guard in a supermarket. While we might not have been able to discuss philosophy or the processes of star formation, he was “good people” and that was the level we connected on.
Strangely I’ve never really been a “friends” person. I guess it comes from throwing myself into my work, so my friends in the past 20 years have tended to be colleagues too.
I have been really lucky with the people I call friends (and colleagues). They’re not exactly the same as me, but we compliment each other and I look up to all of them. My friend Rich is amazing at composing music and at graphic design. Mel is amazing at photography and her energy makes me feel young when I’m around her. Morty has three great kids and is a great role model as a father. Even if I thought I was smarter than them (which I honestly don’t), I see things in them that I cannot do and that would keep me humble.
Even my wife doesn’t really understand what I do for a living. She understands the end result (the website etc.) but doesn’t see the process it takes to get there. When asked, she would tell you I do “something technical”. That’s not to say she’s not smart – I think she’s a lot smarter than me on many levels, often in quite intense ways – its what attracted me to her in the first place. She’s the one with the university degree, not me.
sw0l33txp: How hard are you on yourself for taking responsibility for teaching your daughter? What specific things do you think you will do to encourage her to be confident, strong and self assured?
I would have to say I am putting more time into helping my son right now. He is just at the point of learning to read and we have to do what we can to help him out.
He was also the one that had issues with his self-confidence. Interestingly it seems the thing that gave him confidence in the end was our move to California and having to adjust to new circumstances and a new set of friends. We would tell him “we need your help because we are all new here”, or “I need you to be in charge and look after your sister”. He had been taking a leadership role in his class in his Montessori class too, so I suspect it all just came together for him, and he’s doing great now.
Mia is a whole other story. She’s has always had great self-confidence and lots of imagination. Her drawings never cease to amaze me with the creativity she puts into them. Encouraging her is not hard at all.
The only challenge that she has is that she still wants to be a baby, so now she and her brother take it in turns to “be in charge”. I also need to encourage her to take a more leadership role in her school before she goes to kindergarten next year. She has always been the “little sister” so being responsible for the younger children will help her feel older and boost her confidence.
We also got her to start attending karate class – her brother has been going for a few months. Again, that should help her feel more confident, plus it has that same element of the older kids helping the younger kids. I think I’d rather have them both do aikido as that is a more spiritual, less physical martial art, but it is hard to teach aikido to young kids for precisely that reason.
sw0l33txp: If someone doesn't have as much money as others and is interested in purchasing personal technology for enjoying podcasts - what would you recommend?
I would probably get the SanDisk Sansa c140 – a 1GB MP3 player which is $66 on Amazon.com. It only has a small screen, but that is still a better deal than the no-screen $79 iPod Shuffle.
sw0l33txp: If you had to move one more time, to a different state than you are in now, and could only move this one more time, where would you move to and why?
That’s tough one.
If I had a million dollars (not enough to be truly “rich” but enough to buy a decent house almost anywhere), I would probably choose to live on Southern California somewhere – probably somewhere close to Irvine, as we really liked it there. Lets say Corona Del Mar, as that is right on the ocean – I miss the sound of the ocean, which I have always found so relaxing. I miss living in Worthing on the south coast of England in an apartment 100 yards from the sea and being able to stroll down the beach after work.
A lot of the appeal of Southern California has to do with the climate – to paraphrase Goldilocks and the Three Bears, its not too hot, not too cold … it’s just right. I loved owning a Miata in Texas but it was just too hot and the sun too strong for a lot of the year.
Of course, SoCal also worked for us with having small children. They loved being close to Legoland and Disneyland, but also being close to the ocean and being able to race the waves in and out and build sand castles.
sw0l33txp: What scares you most about being a father and what are you doing about it?
I’m scared about the crazy people – the pedophiles, the school shooters, the people who keep kids in their basements.
I worry that they won’t look both ways when they cross the street, or get some chronic disease.
I worry that they may not be as smart as the other kids in their class or somehow not be able to meet their full potential.
All the stuff parents think about.
I also worry that Tyler might be bullied when he is older, as bullying made my life miserable for 5 years until I was 16 and moved half way across the country to live with my Dad.
What do I do? Well, I guess having them in karate lessons makes me feel better. I wonder when the best time is to start telling them about the crazy people – you don’t want them afraid to leave the house.
Everything else is just education. As an adult you take for granted all the things you learned as a kid. Having kids of your own makes you appreciate all the work your own parents must have put in to get you where you are.
sw0l33txp: Do you get upset when you hear something said in jest about people from Japan? Other countries? How do you balance the idea of jokes that you see humor in and yet may have a personal impact on you? Can something be funny even if it's making fun of you or something you love?
Most humor I see as exactly that. Sometimes it cuts close to the bone, but typically only the things that are in very poor taste, like a joke about 9/11 will make me really wince.
I would say in general that what would upset me more would be someone saying something about Japan or any other country/people not to be funny but just to be mean. Ironically those are often the people that get really angry when you turn it back on them – I guess it must be an issue of penis size or something.
sw0l33txp: A 15 yr. old can be known as "cool" for simply doing a trick on a skateboard, having spent perhaps a day or week practicing. You have spent your life coding and most people cannot fathom your genius and therefore will never be able to fully respect what you do or your vision. Most Americans seem to want to be acknowledged for their abilities, to perhaps get some attention for what they do or at least a level of respect. As you get older, not that you are old, have you found yourself coming to terms with being happy with just knowing what you did or do you find yourself looking for auxillary ways to gain some attention?
Actually, getting attention doesn’t really bother me. I guess I’d like people to have some appreciation of the work that I put in, but even then I also understand that most people would have no idea how much work goes into making an XML driven website that works from a single codebase in 85 countries (to take one example).
As far as “coming to terms with being happy with knowing what I did”, actually what gives me the most happiness now is sharing what I have learned. I find so many people learn a bunch of stuff then get very defensive or feel threatened by people coming up through the ranks that may be smarter than them, like “maybe in a few years that person will take my job, and what will happen to me?!”. The way I’ve seen things for quite some time is: “if I teach these people all the things I know, then they will be able to do what I am doing now, and I can go and do something else”.
Its been working pretty well for me too – I see a lot of the people that I’ve helped over the years often turn into my biggest advocates, which can only be a good thing.
sw0l33txp: The human hand is a miracle. The myriad of ways it can grasp, feel, determine temperature is mind-boggling. If someone loses a hand and must wear a prosthetic, there isn't any amount of money that can replace their hand. If you were God, and you gave them their hand or hands back, they would be the happiest person alive. Yet, we have our hands and we don't give it a second thought. Often times, instead of being grateful for what we do have, we look to what we want to make us happy. All too often people are in bad moods over things that are very trivial and they almost become accustomed to being in a bad mood- almost like it's their moniker. People even tend to accept people for being that way as if it's an unbridled frustration for their genius and not being able to perfect things in life. So the question to this diatribe is have you found any wisdom in what I call "I have hands"? Have you been able to push aside a yearning for what "more you could have" in life to make room for "what you do have". How have you done it?
Hmm. I would say having children has helped me turn away from purely selfish wants.
That’s not to say I am not selfish. I probably still waste money on things that I don’t really need. Ironically I think stressing over not having money is one of the things that leads me to do this – a particularly dangerous form of self-reinforcement.
Still, having children you have to focus on needs outside of your own. After all, if you are not looking after their needs – to learn, to play, to see the world – then who will?
In a similar vein, I think having visited some really poor countries – Malaysia, India … even Mexico – you cannot help but feel that however little you may feel you have living in the States, you are still doing so much better than the poor of those nations who have absolutely nothing and no way to pull out of it no matter how smart or otherwise capable they may be.
sw0l33txp: If you could choose to go down in history on a similar scale to Albert Einstein for something you do or you could be forever known as the greatest father in the world by your children, what would be the hardest thing for you to come to grips with when choosing the "greatest father" choice?
I would hope that in achieving something on “a similar scale to Albert Einstein” that I could inspire my children and be better able to provide for them financially. Having financial freedom would let me devote more time to them and in that way I would hope to be seen as a great father.
Of course, this is a difficult balance. Some people win the lottery and become bums, not working, just sitting around the house. Hopefully at least through hard work I am a good role model.
Now to the crux of your question, which is if I were not able to truly do both but had to choose. Lets say I was on the verge of some major technology breakthrough. I felt I was maybe a month away from being done and presenting it to the world, but in working to that goal I had pushed my family away and my wife was talking about divorce. Of course, this would be terrible for the children, so I walk away from my project and spend more time with them and give up on that dream.
It would be very tough for sure – perhaps I could not even do it. It is a tough question because it is one where the reward only comes much later – when you see your child graduate Magna *** Laude from Harvard, or end up building on the peak of your own success and going to even greater heights.
And of course, it is hard to know if you could ever recover from giving up on your own dreams or that taste of greatness just out of reach. The one consolation – albeit a sad one - is in thinking of all the talented musicians or actors that never make it despite their abilities. Who’s to say you would have either? Think of all the .com companies whose names are long forgotten. They had great vision too (well … some of them anyway).